Evolution, like women, is a subject that simultaneously fascinates and confuses me with its ironical complexity within its simplicity. Something as complex as an eyeball can be intricately explained through the same process that will tell you why some finches have beaks good for breaking nuts while others have beaks that are long and good for sticking down into (heh) long flowers.

I bet Rush Limbaugh thinks this every time he goes to Harlem. OH SNAP!

And yet for all of its brilliance, evolution on the human end kind of sucks a big dick (no pun intended). Something that always fascinated me about the Creationist’s view of humanity was how little credit they really give their god. Creationists state that their god created man in “His” image. But looking at man relative to other animals (mammals and non mammals alike), humans seem to have been screwed out of some pretty awesome or life-saving traits.

Also we have an appendix. That fucker.

If God were in a “let’s design the perfect creature” class, he’d get a C-. It’s a passing grade (we are alive after all), but just barely. Let’s take a look at why this is so.

First of all, the mouth. Air enters the lungs on a human and most mammals through two main areas: the nose and the mouth. The mouth obviously can consume more air than the nose per volume, which is why you see people pant after a workout. In fact, air passes through the nostrils in such a confined area in the back of the nose that most people have sinus problems and have to have surgery or wear Breath Right strips (which open that small passage). Ignoring the fact that the nose is a pretty shitty method of getting air into the lungs, the whole system is fundamentally flawed. Let me explain.

Humans (and most mammals) consume their food through their mouths, obviously. However, as mentioned before, we also breath through our mouths. This doubling down on functionality allows for the scientific phenomenon known as “choking” to exist. But every animal has this, right? Why is this such a big deal. It’s not like we can change it, or any other animal does this differently, right?

Right?

Studies show that 100% of you think this looks like a vagina

Let’s look at dolphins, man’s closest relative (not really). Dolphins eat through their mouths, just like humans. However, they breath through their blow hole (heh heh heh). Dolphins and most cetaceans don’t know what choking is; they can eat and breath comfortably at the same time. Hell, look at all fish. Gills are the way they breathe, and they eat with their mouths. Why, then, do humans and other mammals that don’t live in the ocean have a separate orifice used for breathing? Sure, you could argue that every time an underwater animal eats underwater it swallows water which would go into its lungs, but the point remains: why did they have to double up on us? What advantage is there to breathing and eating through the same hole? None. Not good enough? Well then it’s because fuck, that’s why. There’s more.

Penis.

Vagina.

URINATION.

There, I got your attention again. If being a human has taught me anything, it’s that humans pee and mate through the same orifice. Sure, a woman’s urethra is technically not in the exact same place as her cervix, but the penis doesn’t know when it’s ejaculating into the vagina. And men? Well that’s just not fair. Peeing and ejaculating through the same entity? That’s just cruel. Tell me, if you were a city planner, would you build the local dump next to the maternity ward of a hospital? (wait…don’t answer that).

Let’s go on about the penis. The testicles and penis are arguably the most valuable parts of the male body, both evolutionary and the fact that they render the male brain almost completely incapable of making a rational decision (ladies amirite?). Now let’s assume for a moment that men could pee like women, in that their urethra was not filtered through the same orifice that delivers the ejaculate. That would leave the penis as the sole sexual organ. But this would render it useless for the vast majority of his existence. So why, then, is it just DANGLING THERE?? Would you leave your baby out in the middle of the woods unprotected, surrounded by hungry lions? Of course not. If anything, you’d want to stick it in a bulletproof cradle with motion-sensing lasers sticking out of it…and then you’d arm the fucking kid. But the male penis is just….there.

"Whoa, I don't need to see that bro"

Now I know what you’re thinking, “ReZips, that’s just how it is, we can’t change that. Also fuck you” to which I would say “Ah, but look at the modern house cat. Also your mother is a whore.” You see, the modern house cat has a retractable penis, which only comes out during mating. Hell, they still pee out of it, but even then it still protrudes only slightly from its sheath. Ed. Note: This was the most awkward series of Google searches I’ve ever done. I had to Google “cat penis” and the derivations thereof more times then I care to mention on this family blog.

The point in all of the above is to point out that the human body is far from perfect, and in fact is far behind other mammals along the evolutionary curve. While homogeneous structures do occur (simultaneous evolution of body parts among different species) it is generally seen that the majority of our body parts come from a common ancestor. So why, then, did we not get all the cool shit that the other animals got? Why no blow hole (tee hee)? Why no retractable penis?

And worse, why do we still have things that are wholly unnecessary, like tonsils or an appendix? Modern theories suggest that we will slowly evolve to lose these useless organs. But let me say this: We already evolved away our tail (we still have a tailbone), which I feel would be much more useful, yet we still have tonsils and an appendix! This shit is seriously fucked up.

But, most importantly, I really want a retractable penis. I bet your “god” has a retractable penis Creationists! “In his own image” my ass.

Nope, not a dated reference at ALL

Quick update for everybody who reads this (all 6 of you…you know who you are).  As I’m sure you all read, I predicted the winners of the top 9 categories for the 83rd Academy Awards ceremony. And in case any of you were wondering, I picked every single one of them right!

So for everyone who made a butt-load of money off of my picks on their office pools, you’re welcome. For everyone else, shame on you for not listening to me. Maybe next year I’ll try to pick all 24 categories (good luck to me…who can tell the difference between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing??)

As an aside, I personally wanted The Social Network to win every award it was up for, but I’m glad it won Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Score, because it absolutely deserved those two. Additionally, props to Toy Story 3 for winning Best Song and Best Animated Feature, and props to Inception for winning a butt-load of technical awards.

Oh, and here’s a link to the nominees to help you follow along.

Best Animated Feature

Who will win: Toy Story 3

Who to watch out for: How To Train Your Dragon

Odds of predicted winner winning: 99%

This is one of the few easy awards to predict for the evening. Pixar is usually a lock in the category, only losing with “Cars” and “Monster’s Inc.” Don’t expect “Toy Story 3″ to join that club, however, as it is also nominated for Best Picture. Whenever a film is nominated in the Best Animated Feature or Best Foreign Feature category AND the Best Picture category, it wins its smaller category.

If you need someone to go against Toy Story 3, it might as well be HTTYD, because Dreamworks has beaten Pixar before in this category. But it won’t happen this year.

Best Adapted Screenplay

The kid on the right? Yeah, that's the same kid from Jurassic Park.

Who will win: The Social Network

Who to watch out for: True Grit

Odds of predicted winner winning: 99%

Whoever of the Big Two wins for Best Picture, expect Aaron Sorkin to come away with this trophy. Touted for its dialog, the script about the founding of Facebook is sure to win this easy category. Its only script competition of the night would have come from The King’s Speech, but alas, that is nominated in the Best Original Category. Sorkin has taken home every major award for this, and he’ll have an Oscar as well.

The Coen Brothers have won this award before, which is why I list them here. But really, all the other nominees have an equal chance of winning among themselves. That is to say, none.

Best Original Screenplay

Who will win: The King’s Speech

Who to watch out for: The Fighter

Odds of predicted winner winning: 99%

3 for 3 in terms of locks. Trust me, those percentages are going to down quickly, but for these categories, locks are locks. The King’s Speech and The Social Network are the two films that seem to be dominating this awards season, and it fits that their screenplays are also winning award after award. The story of how it was made is almost as interesting as the film itself, and that alone would win the film its writing Oscar.

The Fighter is a lot like Rocky, and that film also won best Original Screenplay. However, like before, it’s a toss up in the “who to watch out for” category, as this award is The King’s to lose.

Best Supporting Actress

Who will win: Melissa Leo

Who to watch out for: Hailee Steinfeld

Odds of predicted winner winning: 55%

This, along with Director is one of those toss-up categories. I had a lot of trouble coming up with who I thought would win, and honestly, this will be a category that I wouldn’t be surprised to see anyone win. I say Melissa Leo because she has won the  award that Academy members vote in (Screen Actor’s Guild) whereas Steinfeld has won the critic’s awards (who are NOT Academy voters). Steinfeld could win, as this category is notorious for picking young winners and newcomers. However, it has also awarded those nominated before, and in the end, I feel that those two cancel out, and I’ll throw that extra 5% to Leo. But again, it could easily go to Steinfled.

Also look out for Helena Bonham Carter. She could ride a wave from The King’s Speech, though if anyone upsets Leo it’ll probably be Steinfeld.

Best Supporting Actor

Who will win: Christian Bale

Who to watch out for: Geoffrey Rush

Odds of predicted winner winning: 75%

Bale has a good shot of winning this award. He’s picked up virtually every award sans the BAFTA, but then again, The King’s Speech would win every BAFTA with its eyes closed. With that in mind, Bale has pissed some people off in Hollywood, and that cost Mickey Rourke his Oscar. But Bale hasn’t criticized Hollywood like Rourke did, and Rush’s performance isn’t as Oscar-happy as Sean Penn’s in Milk was. 75% is about right.

Best Actress

Who will win: Natalie Portman

Who to watch out for: Annette Benning

Odds of predicted winner winning: 90%

Natalie Portman has won pretty much every major award in this category, and the Oscars are all about momentum, which is what drove Sandra Bullock to her Oscar. Annette Benning has been nominated before, which might help her, but so has Portman. After a certain number of nominations, the Oscars do generally throw an actor a bone, but not until they’re well along in nominations. Benning isn’t there yet, and so the award should go to Portman.

Best Actor

Who will win: Colin Firth

I'm g-g-g-going to w-w-w-win!

Who to watch out for: No One

Odds of predicted winner winning: 100%

Easiest pick of the night. Colin Firth has won pretty much EVERY major award in this category, and will win it again. If he doesn’t, then then expect Winter’s Bone to win Best Picture, because that would be the only upset bigger. Actor and Actress are not like Supporting Actor and Supporting Actress where they might go to left field for a winner. These are awards where past indications mean everything, and surprise winners just don’t happen here.

Best Director

Who will win: Tom Hooper

Who to watch out for: David Fincher

Odds of predicted winner winning: 60%

This is one of the most debated Oscars. Most people (including myself) expect The King’s Speech to win for Best Picture, but Director is sometimes a different boat. In past years when the Picture race is close, Best Director and Best Picture split. 2005 (Brokeback Mountain and Crash) and 1998 (Shakespeare in Love and Saving Private Ryan) are good examples. That would indicate a win for Fincher. However, I just don’t see it happening. It’s certainly possible, and if Fincher won I would not be surprised and I’d be *very* happy. But I feel like this is just too much of a momentum game for Fincher to win, and I look at this year like 2001 where Ron Howard rode A Beautiful Mind to an Oscar. One thing to keep in mind though: Hooper won the DGA award. In split years, even the splitter won (Spielberg and Ang Lee). Just something to pay attention to.

Best Picture

Who will win: The King’s Speech

Who to watch out for: The Social Network

Odds of predicted winner winning: 85%

Oscar-picking genius

This is pretty much a no-brainer. The King’s Speech has Mr. Harvey Weinstein behind it, and that pretty much means it’s going to win. The Social Network may be Pulp Fiction for this year, a film that will be looked back on as one that easily should have won over its sentimental feel-good competition (Forrest Gump). But for now, it looks like The King will win.

The thing people need to understand is that The Social Network has won most of the critic’s awards, while The King’s Speech has won most of the  guild awards. The Academy Awards voting bloc is made up of guild members, NOT critics. With that in mind, it’s pretty easy to see why The King’s Speech should edge out The Social Network.

Wrap Up

Well guys, that’s about it. Last year I was 7 of 9 in my picks, but last year was pretty easy to pick. Will I beat myself this year or just look very, VERY stupid. Tune in tomorrow night to see!

Dreaming of a Dying Wish

Peering past the system’s edge

To stand as if I’m on a ledge

All I see are twinkling orbs

I wonder if I could know more.

The dreams I have are unlike yours,

I dream not of the long gone wars.

My thoughts don’t drift to conflicts past,

They do not sit on who fought last.

My dreams are much simpler than this

I dream of but our dying wish,

That I could smell the fresh cut grass

That I could see the seasons pass.

I dream of air as fresh as time,

I dream of something so sublime.

I dream of mornings filled with sun,

I dream of nights transfixed with fun.

Alas, these will but stay as dreams

The future’s colder than it seems.

The bleak night sky is every day

The colors all bleed into grey.

Ironically, it is so stale

No thoughts abound of the tale

We, you see, are not meant to be

We, you see, are not the key

We live among the stars so bright

Our flight to Mars was but a plight

We do not have a home to own

We possess nothing to call our own.

We wander through the endless space

We dream but of our long-gone race.

Our air is stale, recycled waste

This, our eternal resting place.

If you only knew what we now know

You’d stop the fighting, stop the show.

You’d pool your resources, you fickle race!

You had it right in front of your face!

But you didn’t act, no you did not

And now the planet is long forgot.

And so we drift to eternity

Dreaming of what we wished you’d see.

I’ve posted the video below, and below that is our entry for last year, and below THAT is the entry for the year before. Since I am graduating, these three videos are the summation of my college career (not my degree; that piece of paper is overrated). Let me know what you think, and if you hate watching things (and really, don’t we all?) then just skip over this post and wait another 2 months until my next post.

Tim Boyd was a scared child

Warmer...

He saw things that didn’t seem so

In his brain thoughts ran wild

Some were just not apropos

If we saw more than sight

Said the confused Tim Boyd

Anything could be right

Cawed the slight paranoid

Our brains, not our eyes!

It’s plain as can be!

Nobody else will try?

Can’t anyone see?

If you only looked around

Don’t just read written words

Even poems make a sound

Notice the strange borders

Could Tim be right?

Even here, can you see?

Hath Tim stirred a fright?

It’s plain as can be.

Today’s topic of discussion will be about the famous (for the four of you who have heard it) song “King of Anything” by the equally as well-known Sara Bareilles. For those of you out there who may have not heard this song (shame on you) here is a link to the song, and here is a link to the lyrics. I’ll sit here while you get accustomed to the song.

*sits*

Okay, done? Good. Let’s move on.

Drugs, Depression and Determination (by me)

Now obviously the song never comes out and says it is about a drug addict, and could easily be believed to be about a number of problems. And I know exactly what you thought when you first heard that song, with its poppy tune, upbeat melody, mellow voice and toe-tapping beat: “this song is about a drug addict.” Well that’s what I thought. Here’s why.

Sara Barielles's Dressing Room

Let’s go through the lyrics of the song to determine so basic facts.First of all, the opening lyric. Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table. This would obviously imply that the lead character is sitting at a table across from another person (or group of people). Obvious, I know, but this is something to keep in mind. We need to ask ourselves, “why are they sitting at the table?” Well, there are two main explanations: One is that they normally sit at the table, like a husband and wife, and discuss normal everyday things. The other is that they are summoned to the table, probably by the “You” character, as the Bareilles character seems to be annoyed at the line of questioning, and I doubt she’d have called this meeting together.

Regardless of the reason for the table setting, it is clear from the onset that the Bareilles character does not wish to be talking about whatever it is they are talking about. Let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine And get out of here fast. Where is she off to in such a hurry? the Bareilles character is making it painfully clear that she does NOT want to be there. Why? Let’s think about basic psychology for a second.

Freud Would Say She Wants To Have Sex With Her Mother

A child is being confronted about stealing a toy. They deny it, downplay the severity of it, and attack the accuser.

So we could deduce at this point that perhaps the Barielles character stole something. Or said something to offend the You character. There are many reasons to confront someone, as I’m sure many of my readers can attest to. BUT this line seems to reveal a lot about the purpose: I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning There’s no one here to save. The implication here is that the You character believes that the Barielles character to be “drowning.” This is where the Barielles character seems to get defensive. She clearly does not agree with the You character’s assumption about her state. She is saying she is fine, and doesn’t need to be saved. The saved part is the other key to this.

Let’s look back at the setting for a second. We would agree that there is a reluctant agreement among the lead and the You character to sit at the table. This is evident by the fact that throughout the song Barielles never leaves the table, but chooses to ignore the You character and waiting impatiently to leave. This would imply that she probably doesn’t have much of a choice to leave, or else she would. So she is, in effect, trapped.

The two types of people who could “trap” someone at a table would be a spouse or close family/friends. This seems to me indicative of an intervention-type setup. There is a trap element along with a close family/friends element. The fact that Barielles mentions “saving” seems to lend credence to this, as the You character seems to be in a position to help. In what situation can you think of would a close family member/friend forcefully sit someone at a table to try to “save” them from “drowning?” A drug intervention.

We Close In On The Kill

Look at that (probably a) drug addict

Beyond the setup, let’s take a deeper psychological look at the Barielles character’s reactions to the You character’s approach to this intervention type setup. First of all, her reaction to You’s opinions seems to indicate the (obvious) notion that she does not agree with whatever it is You is saying. You’ve got opinions, man We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked. Clearly, someone’s opinion of someone “drowning” isn’t a mutually held one.

But here is where things get interesting. A classic drug addict (and child – you’ll notice the similarities here) reacts to an intervention by rarely admitting a problem. Instead, they usually go through various stages. As mentioned before, one of the stages is denial. Another is downplaying. And yet another is to attack the accuser as a person rather than on the issues. So you dare tell me who to be? Who died and made you king of anything? Clearly, Barielles believes You to be invalid of making criticism. The emphasis on YOU in the title seems to imply that You – in the eyes of Barielles – may be in no position to make judgement. Perhaps because You has not been in Barielles’s place as a drug addict? Or maybe precisely because of that – You may be fact have once been a drug addict, and this in Barielles’s eyes rendering You a hypocrite and invalid of passing judgement.

Next, we go into this curious line: All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy While I just hurt and hide Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide. This requires a bit of digging deep to understand the true meaning of this line. Clearly, Barielles is not happy. She is hurting inside, while on the outside trying to make everybody happy. She is also hiding. Hiding from what, though? From herself? From judgement? It is never made clear. The hurting though is obviously indicative of a problem. Physical or not, drugs are often a way for one to curtail pain, and could easily explain the start to her drug addiction. The my turn to decide line also seems to point to drug addiction, as the Barielles character believes that whatever it is You is criticizing has not hurt anyone else, and she would rather decide for herself when to change her behavior. Think, what behaviors could elicit this sort of reaction?

Wrap Up

Probably

There are other cues here and there that don’t really warrant a lot of investigation as they are vague, such as the line You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps. The most deduction I could make of this was that that all caps would be symbolism for yelling, or perhaps literal, with angry texts and/or emails being exchanged back and forth between You and Barielles, probably in direct relation to the problem at the center of discussion.

Again, I must emphasize that the song never comes out and says it is about a drug addict, and could easily be believed to be about a number of problems. However, with the above facts in mind, to me there is one clear answer to the central question posed in the song, that being of “What is the problem You and Barielles are in disagreement about?” I believe that problem is that Barielles is a drug addict.

For final proof, I point you in the direction of Barielles’s other famous song, “Love Song.” The famous lyric is I’m not gonna write you a love song cause you ask for it. Easily taken to mean that a boyfriend or husband asked their musician girlfriend/wife to write them a love song, but she doesn’t feel inspired when she is told to write one. She needs to love them to feel their warmth to really sit down and write the song. In reality the song was written because she was told to write a love song by her manager, or perhaps the record label. Rather than write them a love song for her record, she wrote that she would not write them a love song. There was no boyfriend or husband – just a record label or manager who wanted to get cute and control her. It probably wasn’t the first time someone had tried to control Barielles and she had fought back in a song, and absolutely wasn’t her last.

*You does not include you. It’s actually up to me.

Something like this

1. You are walking through a forest. If you want to know why you are here, go to number 20. If you want to keep wandering aimlessly through the forest, go to number 2.
2. You eventually stumble upon a large house. If you’d like to go inside, go to number 6. If you’d like to walk around the house, go to number 11.
3. You run away as fast as you can. You want nothing to do with women and their shotguns. You eventually make it to a river. If you’d like to go across the river, go to number 10. If you’d like to build a makeshift boat and float down the river, go to number 13.
4. You tell the man “actually, never mind.” He gets offended, cries and then shoots you in the face. He probably does something with your body, too. Something sexual. Either way, you judged right. So congratulations. You’re still dead. Game over.
5. You get in the car with this man, and he asks you where to go. You tell him to drive you to the nearest building so you can make a call. He gladly obliges, and you two are off on your jolly way. Of course, you had to perform some unspeakable deed while in the car, but eventually, you make it to the building. He drops you off about 100 yards away, saying he’s not allowed within 100 yards of “regular folk.” You nod politely and he drives away, probably to murder some small child. Go to number 14.
6. You got shot in the face by a crazed cat woman. You are now dead. Your body is also being eaten by cats. It’s actually like you’re double dead. I guess they’re eating your soul. On the bright side, your soul is very tasty. Like cat food. But you’re still dead.
7. After sticking your thumb in the air for what seemed like forever, eventually a man stops to pick you up. He is large and smells, has a pickaxe in the back of his beaten up truck, and looks like a pedophile. If you refuse to get in the car with this man because you judge people by their appearances, go to number 4. If you decide to get in with this man because you’re curious, go to number 5.
8. You keep quiet, but again, she SAW you. You are apparently under the impression that she either is clinically insane (not a bad guess) or has the short-term memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer’s. But of course, she doesn’t. She peers out her “winder” and sees you hiding like an idiot, you idiot. You get shot, and die. Game over.
9. You have no friends. You realize this, and kill yourself. You die. Game over.
10. You cross the river and eventually find a road. If you’d like to hitchhike, go to number 7. If you’d like to try to find a building to call a friend, go to number 14.
11. While walking around the house, you look inside and notice a woman sitting on her rocking chair holding a shotgun. She looks over and sees you! If you want to duck, go to number 18. If you’d like to run, go to number  3.
12. You probably went here to see what answer I, the writer, would write for the dark side. In real life you’d never go this way. And this is no different. For being curious, you get shot in the face. By a bear. You die. Game over.
13. You build a really shitty boat out of some twigs, leaves and leftover shit from some large animal, probably a bear. As you float down the river you think, “Tom Hanks made it look so easy!” Eventually you come to a fork in the river. If you want to go left, where it looks really dangerous, go to number 12. If you want to go right, where there are double rainbows and unicorns, go to number 16.
14. You walk towards the nearest building, which happens to be a day care. You hit on the receptionist (who is androgynously attractive) in the hopes of using their phone, and whatdyaknow, you get the phone number. If you’d like to call a friend to pick you up, go to number 9. If you’d like to call a taxi to take you home, go to number 19.
15. You scream out “I’m sorry, I was lost and I don’t know where I am! Can you help me?” The woman responds “Why I’m sorry sir or madam, I apologize for being so cold and unwelcoming. Would you like to come inside for some tea?” You are so surprised at her eloquent response that you have no choice but to accept…nah I’m just fucking with you. She yells out something incoherent and then shoots you in the face. You died. Game over.
16. Good choice. Once you stop crying from the beautiful sight of the double rainbow, you realize that there is a waterfall at the end of the river. If you want get out of the “boat” and swim for shore, go to number 17. If you want to go down the river, or paddle against the current, or pray, or do anything else stupid that will certainly lead to your death, go to number 21.
17. You remembered you’re a terrible swimmer and that you thought carrying around lead weights in your pockets was a good idea, you fucking idiot. You drowned, and died. You were also eaten by the unicorn, so there. Game over.
18. You ducked beneath the window. But she saw you, remember? She screams out “WHOZ AT OOTSEED MAH WINDER?” If you’d like to respond, go to number 15. If you’d like to keep quiet, go to number 8.
19. The taxi comes, and you go home. When the taxi man is ready to drop you off, you realize you have no money in your wallet. You’re scared, and don’t know what to do. If you’d like to run, hoping he won’t know where you live even though you are right outside of your house, go to number 22. If you’d like to stay in the car and think of what else to do, go to number 23.
20. Don’t ask questions. Accept where you are. You are now dead. Game over.
21. You died. Game over.
22. He knows where you live, idiot! He shoots you. Go to number 21.
23. You ask him in some desperate attempt if there is any other way you can pay him. He laughs at your stupid joke and says “I’ll take some lead weights” and then laughs at the absurdity of his own statement. You reach in your pockets…and realize you were actually carrying around lead weights the entire time! You give the weights to this man and in his amazement he actually accepts and lets you go home. Go to number 24.
24. You open the door, and in an ironic twist, sitting in the middle of your living room is that very same old woman with a shotgun from the beginning! She shoots you in the face. Go to number 21.
25. You live! Congratulations! Sex for everyone! If you’d like to know how to get to this response, go to number 20.

Love Within

I wish a lot that dreams come true
I think I want a piece of you
The way you smell and taste and touch
A day is hell and wastes too much

I know I’ve sat here way too long
I’ll go put you where you belong
Through the cold night I drive and drive
To see the sight: you by my side

The lights grow quickly dim outside
I fright to think of him nearby
His tan’s the thing I hate to see
The man, the King, the enemy

His piercing crown juts through the night
Unlike the clown he brings just fright
The moon shines high the stars so bright
I soon will have you in my sights

Alas, I’m here! I see your face
A glass, a beer! Amazing grace
And at long last we now embrace
Your song the past; you’re in your place

And for one small moment as I sit
The background fades, bit by bit
I sing your song, that famous hit
“Ba-da-ba-da-da, I’m lovin’ it”

Because you’re a McDonald’s cheeseburger and I was hungry and the whole poem was about me craving a McDonald’s cheeseburger. So there.