ReZips’s Amazing Choose Your Own Adventure For Awesome Fun Good Adjective Times!

Welcome one; welcome all, to ReZips’s Amazing Choose Your Own Adventure For Awesome Fun Good Adjective Times! Game. In case you don’t know the rules, here they are: Basically, you start off reading line number one. You choose where you’d like to go; it’s up to you*! Just follow the directions and don’t read it in order; you’ll just be confused and scared. If you play along, you’ll have a good time. And if you don’t, then you’re a communist…fucking commie.

*You does not include you. It’s actually up to me.

Something like this

1. You are walking through a forest. If you want to know why you are here, go to number 20. If you want to keep wandering aimlessly through the forest, go to number 2.
2. You eventually stumble upon a large house. If you’d like to go inside, go to number 6. If you’d like to walk around the house, go to number 11.
3. You run away as fast as you can. You want nothing to do with women and their shotguns. You eventually make it to a river. If you’d like to go across the river, go to number 10. If you’d like to build a makeshift boat and float down the river, go to number 13.
4. You tell the man “actually, never mind.” He gets offended, cries and then shoots you in the face. He probably does something with your body, too. Something sexual. Either way, you judged right. So congratulations. You’re still dead. Game over.
5. You get in the car with this man, and he asks you where to go. You tell him to drive you to the nearest building so you can make a call. He gladly obliges, and you two are off on your jolly way. Of course, you had to perform some unspeakable deed while in the car, but eventually, you make it to the building. He drops you off about 100 yards away, saying he’s not allowed within 100 yards of “regular folk.” You nod politely and he drives away, probably to murder some small child. Go to number 14.
6. You got shot in the face by a crazed cat woman. You are now dead. Your body is also being eaten by cats. It’s actually like you’re double dead. I guess they’re eating your soul. On the bright side, your soul is very tasty. Like cat food. But you’re still dead.
7. After sticking your thumb in the air for what seemed like forever, eventually a man stops to pick you up. He is large and smells, has a pickaxe in the back of his beaten up truck, and looks like a pedophile. If you refuse to get in the car with this man because you judge people by their appearances, go to number 4. If you decide to get in with this man because you’re curious, go to number 5.
8. You keep quiet, but again, she SAW you. You are apparently under the impression that she either is clinically insane (not a bad guess) or has the short-term memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer’s. But of course, she doesn’t. She peers out her “winder” and sees you hiding like an idiot, you idiot. You get shot, and die. Game over.
9. You have no friends. You realize this, and kill yourself. You die. Game over.
10. You cross the river and eventually find a road. If you’d like to hitchhike, go to number 7. If you’d like to try to find a building to call a friend, go to number 14.
11. While walking around the house, you look inside and notice a woman sitting on her rocking chair holding a shotgun. She looks over and sees you! If you want to duck, go to number 18. If you’d like to run, go to number  3.
12. You probably went here to see what answer I, the writer, would write for the dark side. In real life you’d never go this way. And this is no different. For being curious, you get shot in the face. By a bear. You die. Game over.
13. You build a really shitty boat out of some twigs, leaves and leftover shit from some large animal, probably a bear. As you float down the river you think, “Tom Hanks made it look so easy!” Eventually you come to a fork in the river. If you want to go left, where it looks really dangerous, go to number 12. If you want to go right, where there are double rainbows and unicorns, go to number 16.
14. You walk towards the nearest building, which happens to be a day care. You hit on the receptionist (who is androgynously attractive) in the hopes of using their phone, and whatdyaknow, you get the phone number. If you’d like to call a friend to pick you up, go to number 9. If you’d like to call a taxi to take you home, go to number 19.
15. You scream out “I’m sorry, I was lost and I don’t know where I am! Can you help me?” The woman responds “Why I’m sorry sir or madam, I apologize for being so cold and unwelcoming. Would you like to come inside for some tea?” You are so surprised at her eloquent response that you have no choice but to accept…nah I’m just fucking with you. She yells out something incoherent and then shoots you in the face. You died. Game over.
16. Good choice. Once you stop crying from the beautiful sight of the double rainbow, you realize that there is a waterfall at the end of the river. If you want get out of the “boat” and swim for shore, go to number 17. If you want to go down the river, or paddle against the current, or pray, or do anything else stupid that will certainly lead to your death, go to number 21.
17. You remembered you’re a terrible swimmer and that you thought carrying around lead weights in your pockets was a good idea, you fucking idiot. You drowned, and died. You were also eaten by the unicorn, so there. Game over.
18. You ducked beneath the window. But she saw you, remember? She screams out “WHOZ AT OOTSEED MAH WINDER?” If you’d like to respond, go to number 15. If you’d like to keep quiet, go to number 8.
19. The taxi comes, and you go home. When the taxi man is ready to drop you off, you realize you have no money in your wallet. You’re scared, and don’t know what to do. If you’d like to run, hoping he won’t know where you live even though you are right outside of your house, go to number 22. If you’d like to stay in the car and think of what else to do, go to number 23.
20. Don’t ask questions. Accept where you are. You are now dead. Game over.
21. You died. Game over.
22. He knows where you live, idiot! He shoots you. Go to number 21.
23. You ask him in some desperate attempt if there is any other way you can pay him. He laughs at your stupid joke and says “I’ll take some lead weights” and then laughs at the absurdity of his own statement. You reach in your pockets…and realize you were actually carrying around lead weights the entire time! You give the weights to this man and in his amazement he actually accepts and lets you go home. Go to number 24.
24. You open the door, and in an ironic twist, sitting in the middle of your living room is that very same old woman with a shotgun from the beginning! She shoots you in the face. Go to number 21.
25. You live! Congratulations! Sex for everyone! If you’d like to know how to get to this response, go to number 20.