Hansel Und Gretel – My Way

Editor’s Note: So my friend Matt “hired” me to write a version of the famous fairy tale Hansel and Gretel for one of his classes. The assignment was to compare three versions of one story written by three people. The following is my version.

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Hansel Und Gretel

By: Michael Speiser

The year is 1348 in the middle of Bumblefuck Germany. A poor family sits at the dinner table wondering where their next meal will come from.

“Where will our next meal come from?” asked Father.

Mother stepped outside and began to cry. It was a bleak Sunday night in Bumblefuck. Father held back tears as he stood up to go outside and hunt in what he knew was a futile effort to search for food. He told his children.

“I’m going to go hunt in what I know is a futile effort to search for food.”

He closed the rickety door behind him as he grabbed his ax and began to hunt. His children stayed back, staring at each other with a confused, bedazzled and a semi-horny incestuous kind of German-children-in-the-15th century look. The young boy with the generic German name “Hansel,” turned to his equally generically named sister, “Gretel,” and exclaimed, “Wir müssen etwas Speise jetzt finden, weil ich wirklich hungrig werde.”

His sister agreed, and the two began to search for food – ALONE – outside in the Middle Ages forest of a fucking wasteland, where fucking Typhoid Fever, Leprosy, the Black Death and the motherfucking PLAGUE were out there. Also radioactive cyber rats.

Millions of these things roamed the streets of Germany during the Middle Ages. MILLIONS.

Hansel grabbed his traditional German Nazi Youth uniform and the two were off on their unsupervised ways. This lasted for about fifteen seconds, until Hansel realized he was too fat and gave up on the front porch. Gretel got about thirty feet, before her fat ass collapsed too.

Mother, after wiping away her tears, saw her two fat children lying on the front porch.

And then it hit her.

“If I abandon my children, Father and I wouldn’t have to worry about food anymore!”

When Father came back, his two fat asses children were gone, and his wife, Mother, was surprising upbeat.

“Where are the children?” Father asked.

“I abandoned them in the forest so we wouldn’t have to worry about food,” said Mother. Father spanked her.

Fucking Nazi Youth

Meanwhile, Hansel and Gretel – freshly abandoned in the woods - began to search for food. It wasn’t long before they came upon a house made out of candy.

Now naturally, anyone with half a fucking brain would be thinking, “child molester.” But all Tweedledum and Tweedledumber thought was “we should eat this structurally unsound house!” So they did.

After destroying six years of hard built peasant-approved foundation building, the old woman inside the house realized what these two Nazi children had done and promptly threw them in a cage. However, because this is the fucking Middle Ages, rather than kill the kids (or at least spank them) she decided to fatten them up to eat them. Seriously. She had a house built from candy - CANDY – and yet she had an unquenchable thirst for young German blood… not that I could blame her. But I’m the narrator. What do, I KNOW?

So where did we leave off? Right. Adolf, er, I mean, Hansel, and his sister, Eva, were trapped in a cage at an old cannibal pedophile’s house. Now, Ol’ Pedophile was a blindy, so she couldn’t see how chubby Hansel had gotten. But this little fucker was juuuust smart enough to not get eaten, so he tricked the old hag into thinking he was thin by sticking out a dried up chicken bone and telling her it was his finger. Naturally, she could’ve just poked the little fucker with a stick, but NO. She touched his “finger.” And it worked. Ugh.

After a while of living off of Laffy Taffy and Snickers, the old woman got fed up and decided – in an ironic twist of fate - to throw the little Nazi boy into an oven. But this is a fairy tale, so of course the little Nazi doesn’t die. At the last second, Gretel saved her fat fuck of a brother by kicking the old woman into the oven. How she got out of the cage I do not know. Let’s say a little fairy let her out. We’ll call him “Deus Ex Machina.”

It is at this point that I’d like to illustrate the theme of Hansel Und Gretel, which is, women are fucking bitches who will abandon, eat and kick you into a fucking oven when they get the chance.

So Hitler and Eva escaped the old pedophile’s house, ran back home where their crazed psycho mother had mysteriously died, and they all lived happily ever after. Until Father killed them both and ate their scrumptious little Ärsche.

The End.